Nick and Chelsea for Esquire
I feel like I have seen Chelsea Handler naked already so many times- but Nick Offerman? Uh, Yes please! Read the interview where they both get serious about sex, pooping and Bill Cosby.....
Below is the article. I just copied and pasted it from Esquire's site- but it's a good read! You can click here for more pics. Interview was done by Scott Raab.
CHELSEA HANDLER: Where's Nick, in New York?
SCOTT RAAB: He's in London.
CH: Who does he think he is?
SR: Barbara Walters's interview with you was hilarious.
CH: When she asked me if I was a lesbian?
SR: Yeah!
CH: What's wrong with her? If I was a lesbian, everyone would know. Why would I hide that?
[Skype noise.]
CH: How is this going to play out? You're going to moderate? Or you want us to have a conversation and include you? Nick?
NICK OFFERMAN: Hello. Chelsea, you're the one without glasses.
CH: I'm the one on the left.
SR: Why are you in London?
NO: My wife is working on a TV show here and we like to be together, so I'm commuting from London for jobs in the States.
CH: Sounds like a solid plan.
SR: You must really like to be together.
NO: We have a two-week rule. In fourteen years, we've never been apart for more than two weeks. And so, it requires some airplane time, but it works out well.
CH: Must be great sex.
SR: Reading through clips and old interviews, you seem to be rather focused on anal sex.
NO: Let's start things off with butt fucking.
SR: Yes.
NO: Um … I don't know. I think, uh … I think, for me, it's um … it's … Megan [Mullally, his wife] and I … uh … do a great deal of butt fucking and um … I find I can glean a lot of humor, because we have, in truth, we have a really, what you would call, like a boring, really nice marriage, and for a couple of actors working in Hollywood that's disappointing to people, so we, I think we get a lot of laughs out of like … describing ourselves as some sort of sordid sex fiends, which is not really true.
SR: Who was that?
NO: What? Oh that was, that was my wife.
SR: Was she …
CH: She's obviously confused.
SR: Was she cupping her bosom? Or am I misreading the whole thing here?
CH: You can't go from "ass play" to "bosom." Either "cupping her breasts …"
NO: That's the flavor around here. I think she didn't want to feel left out of the goings-on.
SR: Was she naked from the waist up?
CH: What, are you fucking blind? Yes, she was naked—that's the joke. Do you think she was just walking by there …
SR: If I don't ask, then the people reading the Q&A won't know what I saw.
CH: You can write about it and say, "As Megan Mullally walks by cupping her breasts …"
SR: It's much better if I ask Mr. Offerman.
CH: Well, I mean, you're the journalist.
SR: Do I tell you how to host a talk show?
NO: Yes, that is the case. She was naked from the waist up, cupping her bosom. She just pointed out she was wearing a hat.
SR: I missed the hat.
NO: As did I.
SR: I noticed in the Nascar ad that you pronounced the word tuchus almost like a Jew. I assume that you're not Jewish.
NO: I'm not. I did have some coaching on set for that pronunciation. Although I am, I am a big fan of the term. I like euphemisms for body parts—tuchus, the caboose, the pooper, the pail.
SR: Heinie?
NO: The heinie, the sittin' parts.
SR: You've referred to your genitals in print as adequate. Is that your own assessment?
NO: That may have been a generous estimation, but I haven't had a lot of complaints nor compliments.
SR: I'm turning now to Chelsea. Do you consider your genitals adequate?
CH: More than adequate.
SR: Can you define that in a way I might understand?
CH: Not really. I mean, you either know what adequate means or you don't.
SR: Okay, I'm going to turn now to the survey that Esquire did of randomly selected Americans to get some of their opinions on issues related to men and women. The man holds the door open for the woman. Is it chivalrous or sexist?
CH: I would say that's chivalrous.
NO: I would agree.
SR: A female boss tells her male employee he looks handsome with his new haircut. Harassment?
CH: Harassment.
NO: I can imagine that scenario taking place in a way that is devoid of flirtation.
SR: What about the reverse? A male boss tells a female employee she looks ravishing.
CH: It's kind of more inappropriate coming from a man to a woman, but that's sexist. First of all, ravishing is inappropriate, that word.
NO: I would agree with Chelsea. It is sexist. It's more fraught with danger for a male to say that to a woman than the opposite.
SR: Is it okay for men to laugh at rape jokes? Your choices are: Yes, but only if they're really funny; no, but women can laugh at them; no, and women shouldn't laugh at them, either; or there's nothing funny about rape.
CH: I think that's not really answerable.
NO: What race is the rape victim?
CH: They're Asian.
NO: Oh, then yeah.
SR: I'm going to move on to a much more pleasant category. Have you ever received a naked picture via e-mail or text?
NO: I don't think I have.
CH: I have. Not a full frontal. I've had guys send me pictures of their chest, which I do not like, but I've never gotten a picture of a penis that was directed at me, either the picture or a penis.
SR: And Nick, you have not?
NO: No, no … uh … the closest I came to that was when, uh, when we first got phones that you could put pictures of wallpaper on there. I surreptitiously took a low-angle photo of my balls and made it Megan's wallpaper, and she was shopping with her mom and she needed to find my shirt size, so she went into her phone and that's how she found it. Her mom and I still speak, so it all worked out okay.
SR: Chelsea, have you ever sent a naked photo?
CH: I've sent pictures of my boobs to a lot of different people—not just boyfriends, but friends, my brother.
SR: And you have a whole Instagram account.
CH: But before that, I would always just send pictures of my boobs in random places.
SR: I'll give you my e-mail.
CH: You don't have to. You can just go online.
SR: A man and a woman go on a date—it might be their first or second. They make out at the bar and she invites him to come over. True or false: It's a reasonable assumption that they are going to have sex.
NO: False.
CH: I would say true.
SR: I would, too. Nick, are you saying false because there's so many other things they could do in terms of conversation or Yahtzee?
NO: Well, in my defense, I haven't been on a date for sixteen years, so I might be a little rusty in that department, but I have a white-male reticence. My switch is immediately to say: Don't assume anything, because then you'll end up in a situation where you're doing something impolite. Don't presume.
SR: That's how I feel, too.
CH: That's how men should feel. As a woman, and I can't speak for all women, but as a woman, if I invite somebody back to my house after we've been out, that's usually what's about to happen unless you do something absolutely repulsive.
SR: What would that be?
CH: I mean, it would have to be something that would really turn me off. Normally, if you're out with somebody and you're making out at a bar—is that what you said, making out?
SR: Yeah, that's what the question says.
CH: Yeah, like I was making out with a guy the other night in Israel, and we were at a bar and he said, "Let's get out of here." And I thought, If I get out of here, I'm going to have to wake up with this guy, so I left without saying goodbye.
SR: Huh. Well, it's still a big night for him, I assume.
CH: Yeah, he seemed really happy when I left.
SR: Do you believe that if you are in a committed relationship with someone, you are entitled to have sex on a regular basis? Yes, even if you're not in the mood, it's an important part of being in a committed relationship; or no, it doesn't matter who's in the mood or who is unhappy, nobody is entitled to sex.
NO: I think no matter what the relationship, it doesn't seem like much fun to me if both participants or all of the several participants are not into it. I would hate to make someone deliver pleasure against their will.
CH: What if they were sleeping?
NO: Then anything goes. Dealer's choice. Or if they have been Cosbyed, that's a different story.
SR: Poor guy.
CH: What do you mean poor guy?!
SR: I was just throwing that out there.
CH: Not poor guy—he tried to Cosby me.
SR: Bill Cosby did?
CH: Yeah, did I tell you this story, Nick?
NO: No.
CH: Oh, I was in Atlantic City playing, doing stand-up, and he was doing stand-up in Atlantic City in the same hotel, and at like three o'clock in the afternoon, someone from the hotel came down and said, "Oh, you know, Mr. Cosby would really like to meet you up in his hotel suite." And I thought, That's really weird. This was like ten years ago. And I said, That's really weird. I don't want to go alone. I go, I don't know him. So the three guys I was with—thank God these guys were with me. One was filming and one was like a producer; we were filming something—I brought them up with me to his room and thank God I did, because now I know what would've happened if I went up there alone. And I forgot about it when all the stories about Bill Cosby came out. I was like, I didn't even think of it. Then my friend texted me the other day saying, "Do you remember that night we went up to, or that afternoon we went up to Bill Cosby's and you were so freaked out you made us come with you?" And I said, Yeah, and he said, "Hello! You could've been one of his victims if we weren't there." And I went, "Oh my gosh …" Yeah, so yeah, he's guilty.
SR: I never presumed otherwise
CH: Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious now.
SR: In the ideal scenario, who should make the first move when initiating sexual contact in a heterosexual couple?
CH: I think anyone can make the first move. Whoever's in the mood.
NO: My people have a history of genocide and things like slavery, and so that comes into play. I would hate for my advances to be perceived as some sort of imperial conquest.
SR: That's well put.
CH: Is it?
SR: By "your people," you're referring to white guys?
NO: I am, although, you know, in truth I would say any two people, whether they're gay or straight, you're gonna have a different balance. In one straight couple, you might have a really aggressive sexual guy and in another couple you might have a really passive guy. I don't think there's any black or white rule to it.
SR: Nick, you've built and continue to produce canoes.
NO: Yes. How does that relate to sex?
SR: It doesn't.
CH: I think it's moving along in the right direction. I like the little interstitials in between.
SR: I actually specialize in those.
CH: In canoes?
SR: No, in the interstitials. Have you ever been in a canoe, Chelsea?
CH: I've had an accident in a kayak. I had explosive diarrhea once in a kayak. You know that.
SR: I did not know that.
CH: Why would you ask me if I've ever been in a canoe?
SR: Which book?
CH: It's a pretty big part of my shtick.
SR: Look, I wrote it down: Ever canoe?
CH: No, it wasn't a canoe. It was a kayak.
SR: So you shat in a kayak?
CH: I had to. I was on the beach and I had just come back from Africa and I was gonna explode. I hadn't gone to the bathroom in a really long time, and I had to jump into a kayak because there were people on the beach. And I unloaded. It was awful. It was the worst day of my life. One of the top-five worst days. People have died, so it can't be worse than that, but it was a really bad day. I thought I was gonna die that day. I lost so much fluid.
SR: But you weren't in the kayak for any other reason than to shit in the kayak?
CH: No … never left. I've been in a kayak before, but this one did not get into the water. It was in the sand. I thought you were toying with me. I apologize.
NO: That sounds rough. It's hard to wash out the inside of a kayak.
CH: Tell me about it.
SR: Have you ever pooped in a canoe, Nick?
NO: Uh, no.
CH: It was a fucking kayak, I said. He doesn't make kayaks.
SR: He doesn't kayak. So that's why I switched up with the canoe.
CH: But it wouldn't be the same thing unless he was also in a kayak.
SR: No, but in the general category of defecating in sea vessels, you know, it fits.
CH: That's true.
SR: Chelsea, you have not been married.
CH: No, I have never been married.
SR: Nick, how crucial is the sexual chemistry in marriage? Is it doomed to inevitably fade into a lack of desire?
NO: I can't speak for any relationship but ours, but I think that, I don't know. I don't think people should stay together if they lose the desire to have sex with each other. But I think sex is also such a funny topic. It's so rife with insecurity that people are always prone to like, like guys always wanna describe their dicks as big because it's supposed, you know, we're supposed to think less of people if you have only adequate genitals. And I think that, you know, if two people are together, then they undoubtedly have a healthy time of, like, bringing each other pleasure. But I think there's also a tendency in couples to be like, Oh yeah, we have sex three times a day. Because it also masks the—there's an insecurity of, like, that it's okay to just have, like, regular-people sex and not have it be some kind of Howard Stern episode.
SR: And Chelsea—
CH: I'm a virgin. In the front.
SR: In the front?
CH: Yes. I've only had anal sex.
SR: 'Nough said.
CH: Thank you.
NO: Scott, have you ever shat in a kayak?
SR: No.
NO: It's actually a good point that this brings up. I always try to remember that we're all the kind of people that once in a while are gonna shit ourselves. And sex between two people is so fraught with danger, and there's so much pressure on it that I would definitely advise men to lay off any sort of braggadocio, like "I'm amazing at eating pussy" or anything like that, and just be sincere and focus on the actual chemistry between partners. Because I find in general, like, I've learned in my life the less you talk yourself up and the more you try to impress with your actions, usually the better off you are.
SR: Would you agree that up close all genitalia are scary and odd? Or is that just me?
CH: Scary is not the right word. Scary when you're a kid. And the first time you have to give a handjob is scary cuz you don't know if they're going to climax and you don't know what you're doing, and you just want it to be over, and you feel balls for the first time and you're like, Oh my God. Where did these come from? I didn't even know about balls. I just knew about the penis. And then he has two little friends. And you're like, Oh this is awful. But once you get used to it, you know, it's like riding a bicycle.
NO: I would agree there's a fascinating alien quality to that biology just because it's not on my own body. You know, with male genitalia something is relatable, although I was pretty freaked out when I learned about circumcised versus uncircumcised at this docking convention that I went to. Do you guys know what docking is?
SR: No.
CH: No.
NO: Oh, it's fascinating. When—you need one or two uncircumcised dicks, and you put them together tip to tip and then slide the sleeve back and forth over both.
SR: You don't think this will damage your career in any way?
NO: My career is inexplicable to me. So far I've just been not getting fired despite being myself. So I am just gonna keep rolling with it until they shut the lights off.
SR: Man, that's beautiful.
CH: Isn't it?
SR: Well, was this good for you, Nick?
NO: I found it quite edifying. It's been very enjoyable.
CH: Likewise.
NO: Bye.
[Nick leaves.]
CH: Isn't he cute?
SR: He's wonderful.
CH: Sweet.
SR: That went good.
CH: Yeah, it went well.
SR: Although I'm worried that you didn't get enough.
CH: No, please, I get enough of everything.
The end..
